As I mentioned in my post earlier this week, I’ve decided to start sharing some of my journal entries. Here’s the first of hopefully many to come. Additionally, I’ve written a letter below to describe my intent.

Dear Brave Soul,

This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:

1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)

2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain

To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.

Sincerely,

my Dying Ego

January 2, 2021

I had a hard time focusing during my meditation this morning. I have a headache, and it made me start thinking about everything that was supposed to have changed in my health by going to an acupuncturist I’d found. I was supposed to be healed after 10 sessions, and then 5 more. And I wasn’t supposed to have acid reflux/GERD anymore, and my parasites were supposed to be gone, and my bubbles [Dysfunction of the Belch Reflex] too.

But I have this headache and this sore throat this morning, and during the night, because I still experience GERD. And she [my acupuncturist] has me taking a new herb that is supposed to help more with it, and even told me that after two weeks of taking the herb, I should be fine to have tomatoes and onions and garlic again, and here I didn’t have any of those things, and I probably just ate too much last night, and still I experience it.

I even told her that the effects of having one of those foods can last months, and still, she said it would be fine! And then I find I still have it, without any of those foods! It’s frustrating.

I wonder if any alternative or medical treatment in general, only works because of a trust between patient and provider. And are the providers all really just so deceived that it’s their knowledge/work/abilities that cure a patient, and not the patient themselves and their belief in them or their practice? I mean, that’s what I’m really starting to feel it is.

There are so many ways to heal, and I think that’s true, not because there are so many methods, but because we can believe anything we choose, because the healing comes from the belief, and nothing else. That’s what I believe. In which case, I need to find something I can believe in. I’ve tried so many therapies and supplements. I’ve been to so many doctors and practitioners. And I [subconsciously] haven’t believed in any of it.

The only time when I [recall having] a healing experience, was what I at the time, believed to be a miracle. I was in grade school, maybe in 4th or 5th grade, and I developed these large, painful lumps all over my feet. It hurt to walk or wear shoes, and after a few weeks of it not going away, I went to my mom, and told her they were still bothering me and hadn’t gone away, and that I thought I needed to go to the doctor. But she told me we didn’t have enough money to go, that I’d just have to put up with it.

Having been told this, I wasn’t sure what to do. But I knew I couldn’t just live this way. Eventually, I came up with a plan. At the time, it was during lent, and a month or so away it would be Easter. So I decided that if I went and got my feet washed during the ‘washing of the feet ceremony’ at one of the Easter weekend masses, then my feet would be healed.

So I asked my mom if we could go to that mass, and she said yes. And I asked my brother, if he’d go up with me, and he said yes. When it came time to go to the mass, we went. And when it was halfway through the ceremony, I got my courage to go up, and I leaned over to my brother and said ok, let’s go. And he said no! I pleaded with him, over and over, and still he said no. I desperately asked my sister, and she made it very obvious she wouldn’t. I wanted to cry, this was my chance to heal, and no one would go with me, and I was too afraid to go on my own.

But to think I’d have to wait an entire year to have the chance to walk pain-free, made me realize I had to go. And at the last second, when I saw the last woman washing feet was almost finished with the last person, I started to walk up. But then I saw the woman was collecting everything and standing up! It was too late! And just as I was faltering and about to turn back around in defeat, she saw me, smiled, and waved me on over.

She set everything back down, and had me take off my shoe and sock. While she washed my one foot, I came to the realization that she only planned to wash one foot, and not both. And I wanted to ask her to wash the other. But I was too afraid, and I worried only one of my feet would be healed.

She finished washing my foot, and I put my sock and shoe back over my washed foot, and went back to sit with my family at the back of the church. It still hurt to walk, it hadn’t worked, or at least not yet.

When Easter Sunday came around a couple days later though, I expected I wouldn’t be able to wear my sandals for Easter, because it would be too painful with them rubbing against my feet. But to my surprise, I woke up to find that the lumps had all disappeared–my feet were healed! I had experienced a miracle!

And this experience reminds me, it’s belief that heals. Yes, I had my doubts. But I believed so strongly in God, that at some level, I trusted. And I believe it was my belief that healed me… that’s what I grew up being told from the bible… I don’t remember exactly how that was said, but I’m pretty sure it was. And maybe other people grow up believing different things, believing more in science and doctors, and maybe that’s why they are healed.

And now that I don’t believe in the same thing that healed me, how am I supposed to heal? I need to find something I believe in just as much. And I believe in a higher power, just not like I used to. And I believe that higher power is within me, and in everyone and everything around me. So I need to choose my own therapy that is based within this higher power, and do it with the knowing on some deep level, that it is exactly what will heal and transform me.

Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 10 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)