A year ago, I found out my uncle was dying from cancer and that he only had another year, maybe a year and a half to live. My mom was the one who told me, and as my journal describes, I had a hard time with the manner in which she spoke of such a difficult topic.
But who am I to judge? My mom only spoke the way she did, because she finds focusing on facts and logistics easier than processing emotions. She’s afraid of emotions. And so am I. Aren’t we all?
Emotions can be a lot, so much they can make you feel like you’re drowning… suffocating… dying. I’ve been through enough of them this past year to know. So I can understand why some people put on blinders to avoid overwhelming feelings. Feelings far beyond those you can soothe with logical resolutions. Feelings that bring you to places that forever change the way you see the world.
Feelings are undeniably some pretty scary sh*t.
Honestly, I think we could probably all admit that in one way or another, on one level or in one area of our lives, we’ve all worn those same blinders. So remember: shine your love on the fearfully blind.
Dear Brave Soul,
Below is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
Sincerely,
my Dying Ego
March 12, 2022
Life seems weird right now, and I have a lot on my mind. There’s so much.
Earlier today, my mom told me my uncle ‘has been given’ 1-1.5 years left. She was so factual about it, and focusing so much on the fact of how it’ll be easier for her and dad to take care of just one house since my uncle is thinking he’ll move in with my grandma. That bothers me. I mean, I understand her, and I imagine…
… I’m feeling sadness come up right now. At first, I felt this tenseness, trying to keep it at bay, but then I realized, no, this is ok, I don’t need to feel weird about feeling sad, or the fact that I might cry, I just need to be with it…
… I imagine that my mom is doing her best with what she’s been ‘programmed’ with. She’s coping in her own way the best she knows how, because she thinks she’s not strong enough to feel. And I cannot blame her. I think it’s hard though, because… maybe I just see a lot of myself in her, and maybe I don’t really like who I am, because I think I’m supposed to be different, better. And I know I can be better, but I need to remember that I’m exactly who I am right now, because my future self requires that. My future amazing self needs my current amazing self and my past amazing self. I am amazing. I am love. I am.
Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 12 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)