I’m feeling super vulnerable posting this particular entry, and it’s taken me a little time to gather up my courage. However, my bravery comes in remembering I can’t be the only one working to unravel my fear of intimacy–and what I’m finding underlies it: the fear of rejection.

Dear Brave Soul,

This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:

1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)

2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.

To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.

Sincerely,

my Dying Ego

January 7, 2021

Today, during my acupuncture appointment, my acupuncturist asked me how I was doing. As per usual, I tell her all the physical things, and we often talk about emotional things going on as well. I mentioned how I decided to see a therapist, for a few reasons, one being what I’ve come to realize is a fear of intimacy. A few sessions ago with my therapist, she gave me some homework… to look up erotica, of which I wasn’t entirely sure what that was, though from her explaining it wasn’t porn, I understood it had something to do with intimacy. Basically, she just told me to google it, and I’d find something.

For some reason, it took me forever to google it. The next two times I went in for therapy, she asked whether I had, and each time I hadn’t. Last night, I finally braved it. My biggest realization is that I am interested, but it’s my very deeply ingrained fear of it being wrong that makes me shy away.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that a few days ago, I had a dream where I was remembering that I still hadn’t done this google search homework. I woke up in the morning remembering this, and that’s when the thought came into my head about how holding hands makes me feel uncomfortable.

So I told my acupuncturist all this, and she probed more, “What did you determine makes it uncomfortable for you?” I explained how I journaled about how I feel that holding hands with someone usually seems to imply that you enjoy their physical touch and could potentially open up the door for further physical touch, and when I don’t know if I want that, or I’m not feeling physically attracted to them in the first place, then of course holding hands would make me uncomfortable.

However, I realized there’s more. And actually the first thing that I had thought of when I thought about being uncomfortable holding hands, was back when I was in grade school, and how my anxiety was so bad. I always wanted to hold my mom’s hand. And I remembered that sometimes… (for some reason, the image of my mom shaking me away and me whining for her hand, and her exasperatedly saying, ‘you’re suffocating me!’ came to mind. Not sure if that’s true, but I’m sure wouldn’t be far from it.) Anyway, I remembered that my mom would sometimes need me to let go of her hand, because she needed to do something, and so I’d try holding onto her arm or elbow, and she’d sometimes shake me off and get a little upset at me.

So besides me being worried in a physical sense that if a guy wants to hold my hand, that he may want something more. (So if I don’t give him an inch, then he can’t take a mile, and that keeps me safe.) Besides this, I also had a negative experience with how I felt I needed to hold my mom’s hand for safety during my times of anxiety, and it made me feel like she didn’t love me. And maybe there’s a part of me that has some sort of negative connection due to that.

I mean, I can’t really see myself being that way now, like being overly needy with anxiety, that could cause someone to feel the need to shrug me off and give me the sense I was too much and that they didn’t love me. But maybe it’s more something like, having the experience where my mom didn’t want me to hold her hand, I don’t want to feel that I’m not enough or not loved, and so if I don’t hold anyone’s hand, then I’ll never know. I’ll never be rejected.

Maybe it’s the idea that when I felt I needed my mom’s love, I wanted to hold her hand, and when she shrugged me away, I felt rejected and not loved. And maybe I felt like I was too much to be loved. Not quite sure.

Anyway, my acupuncturist suggested that we could hold hands. I wasn’t sure if it was a joke or not [from the way she said it], but after she finished putting in the needles, she took my hand. I didn’t feel overly uncomfortable, but I felt super uncertain. How long did she intend to hold my hand?! She asked if it was okay, and I said yes. I wasn’t sure how hard to hold on, and because I didn’t know her intention of how long, I wanted her to be the one holding on stronger, so she could be the guide on when to let go. But then I felt like I wasn’t really holding her hand, because it was really her just holding my hand, because, well, I wasn’t really holding on with any strength at all.

Brings up an interesting idea, maybe that I don’t want to impose my expectations. I’d rather let others lead, so that way I can be certain that they’re happy and not uncomfortable, and as long as I’m mostly cool with it, then I’m happy to just roll along with whatever punches they call.

Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 10 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)