Reading through this one gave me goosebumps.
Last year, I was blessed to have met a woman who was so vulnerable in sharing her experience being in an abusive relationship. I had no idea her story would affect me like it did–that I would relate so strongly.
We two women are far from the only ones who have been abused, who are currently going through abuse, and who will a minute from now or a generation from now be abused.
Please, learn from what we’ve learned.
I know it’s hard, but for those who have been through and are going through abuse, learn not to blame yourself by thinking you should have known. For the rest of us, don’t let 20-20 hindsight fool you into blaming the victim (nor your blindly desperate idea that the same wouldn’t so easily happen to you.)
Finally, if you feel you’re ready to open up and need a safe space, please know you can reach out to me.
Dear Brave Soul,
Below is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
Sincerely,
my Dying Ego
March 8, 2022
She came back early, sometime in the afternoon. I could tell something was up, and she asked if she could talk with me upstairs with the explanation of ‘girl stuff’.
We went upstairs, and I apologized for the 4 loads of laundry I’d done and that were still piled all over my bed. She insisted on helping me fold, so we began the task together, and I asked her what was up. Long story short, she had just an hour earlier, found out she was pregnant, and by a man she had been in an abusive relationship with this past year. It was a lot. People go through a lot!
I bring this up to say, that as she was speaking to me about how things happened with [the] abusive relationship with this man named […], it made me realize how similar […]’s and Don’s [(my abuser’s)] strategies were. At some point when she was saying something, I said, wow, I totally get that. She asked if I’d also been in an abusive relationship, and I said no, just that I’d been abused.
I know not all abuse has the commonalities that our abusers shared, but until hearing her story, I didn’t realize how similar an abusive relationship could be to the way I was sexually abused. It makes me grateful to have heard her story. Because I wonder how susceptible I’d have been, maybe still am, to the potential of entering an abusive relationship. I just feel like you don’t end up knowing until you’re already in it.
The similarities I saw: were how the men made us comfortable, they made us feel safe, and welcome, and created this sense of normality, and built trust. Then silently, without any sort of anything, things changed. Like an invisible and noiseless piece of paper, where one side signified safe and the other side signified danger, had been turned over. We didn’t realize things had changed, but when intuition started speaking up, and we inquired, we were met with gaslit statements. The responses these men gave us hushed our intuition, made us question, made us uncertain, made us quiet–reflecting, wondering. And then things really changed, and we knew. We knew we were both in positions we would’ve never fathomed ending up in. She, stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship and then pregnant, and I, lying naked on a man’s bed with him ready to rape me. And both of us: frozen.
Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 12 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)