Maybe we haven’t all experienced depression, but we’ve all experienced periods of our lives where we’re feeling low. For me, this was one of them.
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This post is going to be a little different than most. Instead of highlighting one of my journal entries, I’m including all of one, and then the beginning snippets from a few others, as I realized I may not be the only one to find my journaling progression through a mini-episode of depression interesting.
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Initially, as I read through the full versions of these entries, I felt as though they may not be meaningful to anyone else, as I was mostly sorting out specific things I needed to accomplish, and figuring out who I was again and what I wanted to do with my life.
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However, what I found intriguing, was how my first journal allowed me to get clear on what I needed to do to move forward: “to spend time with myself”, to figure out “what do I really want?” and to journey through the feeling of being “not quite sure who I am anymore.” And the following journals showed I’d fallen into a depression (which gifted me the time I needed to spend with myself), and my reflecting allowed me to sort through the rest… to a certain degree. Then sure enough, having done the work, I resurfaced and came back to life!
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Dear Brave Soul,
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Below is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
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1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
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2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
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To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
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Sincerely,
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my Dying Ego
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February 9, 2022
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I’m realizing this running away feeling isn’t something unique to potential romantic relationships. I’ve felt this before, with places and people. But it’s usually more that the universe is giving me a sign it’s time to move on, or that I’m outgrowing a relationship, and what I’ve been meant to get out of it has been gone through.
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I’ve come back to Maui. And things feel different. I still like it here, but I can’t say I love it anymore. Something’s missing. And maybe something always was, but it’s clear to me now. I don’t know if it’s because I like [this guy I met back on the mainland], and he’s not here, or if it’s simply that I’m ready for love (or ready to be ready??) from whoever that is destined to come from.
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I just feel empty though, and drained, and I want to keep pushing through and make things work and happen, but I’m feeling lost. What do I really want? The me right now, not the me before. I know I wanted to do the podcast, and I think a part of me still does. But I think I’m also not quite sure who I am anymore. Which maybe is a good thing. It shows I’ve grown and am experiencing changes. I need to spend time with myself though clearly. Get grounded again. Start asking myself what I want in each moment.
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What do I want?
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* * * * *
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February 11, 2022
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Yesterday was a bit rough, I was emotional and in that stuck feeling I get when I’m uncomfortable with my surroundings.
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* * * * *
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February 12, 2022
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Yesterday was not an easy day. I again spent most of the day in bed. This time, instead of talking to people on the phone, I mostly just watched Netflix. I again still did my morning routine at least. And I am so grateful for that drive in me and the acceptance of my imperfection that is allowing me to hold on to and stick with it.
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* * * * *
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February 13, 2022
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Good morning!! I’m feeling hopeful today. I hear the birds chirping. I have the desire to get my living environment back into a peaceful place, so my mind and soul can run around uninhibited by clutter. I’m going to organize [this]. I’m going to go through all [that], and do [these other things]. I’m going to make progress.
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* * * * *
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February 14, 2022
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I’m back! I woke up this morning feeling amazing!! And if all the rough days before this made that possible, then they were soooo worth it!
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I just feel like I realize it’s all possible now.
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Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! For over a decade, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)