Recently, I’ve realized I’ve been living most of my adult life under a cloud of what I’ll call a low-level depression… or idk, maybe it’s just plain old regular depression.
In college, I experienced depression for the first time, and I lost the belief in myself to achieve my goals and dreams. For so long, I’ve been asking myself, why I can no longer do what I say I’ll do, why I’ve become so unreliable? But reading this journal entry reminds me that I’ve seen the light, that it exists, and that I’ll find it again. It also reminds me to ask the empowering questions, rather than the ones focusing on what I no longer want to perpetuate.
Dear Brave Soul,
This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
Sincerely,
my Dying Ego
February 19, 2021
Something has changed in me. This morning things are different. Today I am happy.
Before I go into explaining why I feel I’m experiencing this. I want to describe an image that came to mind during my meditation. I suppose I was wandering a bit into the dream world, but I had these words in my head “push her out” and in my mind’s eye, I step out of a building, barefoot into the perfectly white, and untouched snow. All I see is me looking down to watch my step, and I see that I’m wearing a long, flowing pale pink gown, and when I step out, or rather more like gently pushed out, a piece of silvery glittering jewelry also falls at my feet, and I’m looking at it, and then for some reason, I get this free, happy feeling that I want to jump and dance in the snow.
Then my phone alerted me [that] my meditation was over. I wanted to stay in that moment. It felt so beautiful, but maybe I’m [still] in that moment now. It’s a state of mind. [In] that moment, I felt gorgeous, and free, and happy, and flow, and light, and love. It was perfect.
This morning, I woke up to my alarm. I don’t remember feeling tired, I just remember feeling, ‘OK! it’s time to wake up!’ I sat up, and enjoyed the song that is my alarm–How Far I’ll Go from Moana, while I gave Gigi [my cat] some love. Everything seemed in flow already. I started my day, and I felt more in power, more at ease, more ‘I’ve got this’. I went to take a shower, and I put on music as usual, and that’s when I began to notice the feeling more, I FELT the music more, in my heart. I got into the shower, and I just felt it so much, I couldn’t help but dance. The feeling was so beautiful, and my face broke open into this huge smile and I couldn’t contain it any longer, and I just started laughing.
So there I was, laughing and grinning and dancing in the shower in such awe and gratitude for life, taking in the beauty that is. And now, as I sit here writing, I’m still so aware of life’s beauty. I’ve been hearing the birds chirp, and out of the corner of my eye, I see the glow of the sunrise reflecting off the house next door. And Gigi is keeping me company, snuggled up right next to me. And this moment is perfect.
I won’t say it’s all perfect, or maybe it is. Maybe [it’s only] society [that’s] told me it isn’t. This morning is not without pain. Literally. But still it’s all beautiful. It started in the shower, when I got this sharp pain in my abdomen. I took a breath, and let it go, and I didn’t feel it again until I was getting ready to meditate after. I felt it a bit, drank some of my ginger tea, and laid down in my bed, but then I felt it a lot more. Every time I twisted myself, thinking that I might have air stuck inside, […] it felt horrible. So I decided to sit up for my meditation and stay in the position where I didn’t feel the pain.
My brain wondered, why am I feeling pain, is something wrong? But why would I ask that?! As I’ve been hearing from Bob Proctor or maybe it was Reverend Michael Beckwith… someone, [you need to] ask the questions you want answers to. Ask empowering questions. Don’t ask what’s wrong, ask what’s right! And so I asked how this pain was helping me, and I thought “maybe pain isn’t a bad thing. Maybe it’s a sign of healing, maybe it’s an alert to say hey, I’m working on healing you right now, so give me some time, and I’ll sort it all out, I’ll let you know if I need you to do anything else.” And currently, I’m feeling no pain. But what if that’s how it works? What if there was a study done on pain, and what if there were people that believed different things about pain, would the study results conclude that pain correlates with whatever it is that the majority believe?
Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 10 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)