Have you ever had the feeling that no matter what you try, nothing ever works; or no matter your effort to change, the change never appears; or no matter what you’ve done to heal, the healing never happens–then start setting intentions.
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It may take a little time, but when your subconscious picks up on your intentions, and believes in them, that’s when you’ll experience the shift. Because though this may sound crazy, it’s not so much your actions that create the magic, but the beliefs you have around them.
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Dear Brave Soul,
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This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
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1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
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2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
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To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
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Sincerely,
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my Dying Ego
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October 3, 2021
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I’m really proud of myself. I was filling out my habit tracker for yesterday, and realized that I achieved most of what I wanted to even though I got back after I had hoped to be asleep. But it was Saturday yesterday, and it’s ok and right to give myself grace and time to be human. I don’t need to be perfect all the time, and to have that expectation is ridiculous.n
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There are a few things I’ve realized though. There are times when I don’t really feel like doing one of my habits. I think I need to work on this. Not necessarily to learn to like everything I think I should do, but if I were to bring more intention about why I do what I do, I feel that that’s more what heals me. If I go around doing what I think I should do to heal, but feel a sense of victimhood in the requirement of having to do all these things, then these healing habits will never heal me. If I don’t want to do Wim Hof breathing, and make myself do it, because I should. That’s not right. I can still encourage myself to do it, but I need to not do it because I should, but because of what it will do for me. It will improve my immune system, and teach my body how to remain calm during stressful situations, and therefore will decrease my inflammation, and thereby teach by body how to heal itself. Which is pretty gosh darn cool. So maybe that’s reason enough for me to say, yes to Wim Hof breathing, vs do it because you should.
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It’s like when you’re at work, and someone asks you to do something. I oftentimes want to know why. What’s the purpose, how do my actions play a part in on the grand scheme? When I don’t know, I feel my actions are aimless and less meaningful. I’m acting blindly. There’s no sense in doing that for myself when I’m perfectly capable of reminding myself what my actions are working towards. It’s a lazy habit I suppose, or one that I didn’t realize was so harmful. Harmful because I didn’t realize that it’s caused me to believe that no matter what I do, no matter what I try, that nothing ever works.n
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Well [the only reason] it doesn’t work, [is] because I don’t connect the intention with my action. If it’s an action without intention, then the action doesn’t mean much, because the action only means something when it comes from thought/belief. And if the action is done without intention, and solely ‘because I should’. Then the ‘because I should’ actions of course will never get you anywhere, because ‘should’ is meaningless. ‘Should’ because why? Why is where the intention is at. And once there’s an intention, then ‘should’ falls away, because there’s now a desire for the intention. And if there’s no desire for that intention, then maybe it’s not a priority and you should be focused on something else.n
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So if we look to my first habit. Gratitude… and you know what, I’m going to take the time here tomorrow to write out here my intention for each of my healing habits. Because otherwise all of these things that I’ve done off and on for so long, will still have no meaning, because I go about them blindly. So here’s to changing that!
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* * * * *
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Ok, a little bit more to say. Had a bit of an ah-ha moment. I was thinking about the idea of going to PT, and how it didn’t really seem to be working for me. But when it didn’t work, I got to go to PT longer, which made me feel safer and more cared for and I suppose in a way, more loved. However, that should not be the purpose of going to PT, the purpose of PT should be to be healed. So it makes me wonder if my intention with even my healing overall needs to be clarified. Of course I want to be healed, but what if the desire to feel safe and cared for and to be loved is subconsciously stronger than my desire to be healed?
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And even the idea of feeling safe, cared for and loved through attending PT or going to any other practitioner–the Mayo even–makes no sense with the idea that safety, care and love will heal me, because in my delusion, I don’t want it to heal me, because otherwise I will lose my safety, care and love. So in order to heal, or allow myself to heal, I need to find safety, care and love in another way. And likely through perspective, and calming down, and becoming more grounded. Basically, pacifying my vata imbalance.n
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There was one other offshoot of this thought, though I’m not sure if it makes sense or if I’m very clear on it, because in my writing I went another way, which totally makes sense. But the other idea was that I’m looking for safety, care and love outside of myself, and also feeling that I’m not enough to have it without some qualifying factor, like being sick. Which maybe is something that stems back to childhood with my mom. That she cared for us when we were sick, but otherwise didn’t pay us too much attention. But alongside this idea: looking for safety, care and love outside of [myself], I’m the only one who has the power to heal me, and I can give that power to others, but if I don’t own my power myself, and believe in myself, then the power I believe other people have to heal me, is completely void of the ability to transform me, because either:
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- I don’t believe in my own power (subconsciously) to transfer it to someone else to heal me through their physical actions; and/or
- I don’t want to be healed, because I’ll lose my only perceived reason for being worthy of safety, care and love.
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Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 12 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)
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#safety #intentions #healing #health #childhood #trauma #worthiness #realization