(As I was getting ready for the endoscopy, I took a moment and recognized how proud I was of the mental calmness I was feeling and how I had created it by visualizing [over and over!] everything going well ahead of time.)
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We’ve all been there. Whether in a big or seemingly small way, we’ve all had fears to face.
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In this journal, I voice my thoughts around facing fears before I went in for my third endoscopy. Some might not bat an eye at this kind of procedure. However, after having experienced some major trauma with the first, and coming close to a panic attack during the next, it was a major step even to say ‘yes’ to a third.
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Dear Brave Soul,
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Below is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
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1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
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2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
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To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
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Sincerely,
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my Dying Ego
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January 24, 2022
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Today is the day! In just a few hours I’ll be on the edge. About to cross over the line of where fear begins.
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I just had this thought, of a boat in the ocean. A boat creates waves as it moves through water, and the waves are stronger the closer you go to the boat. You could say the boat was the thing, potentially something you fear, but maybe not. And the waves it creates is your fear, or if you aren’t afraid, you simply notice it as energy. Of course, if you’re not aware of the boat or not focused on it, you’re in essence too far away from the boat (mentally) to notice it’s energy, and you aren’t affected by the waves. [Because the waves only exist through your perception of them.]
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Considering what I’ve written, reminds me. What if I just lived in the present. It’s not like I’m ignoring the future really. I can acknowledge it [that the ‘boat’ exists.] But what if I just lived in this moment? There’s nothing really going on, and I could release my worry. I can save that for later, or maybe I won’t need it, because maybe as I’ve imagined, the whole process is going to go so smoothly, and I’ll wonder after why I ever worried at all. Plus what does worrying do? It only really heightens my anxiety. Worrying opens me up to take in all these tiny pieces that may be of significance to my survival of getting through whatever I’m facing. Which is not necessarily a bad thing in some cases. But what I face in a couple hours is an endoscopy, not a lion tracking me down.
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If I were living in the now… I remember to practice my morning gratitude… I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful to have such powerful mental energy. I am grateful for [my aunt] and her kindness. I am grateful for all the blankets that are keeping me warm. I am grateful for my bravery and for understanding the beauty within facing fears.
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In this moment, I am simply a girl writing in her journal on her laptop in the early morning in the coldness of a Minnesota January. That’s it. This moment can be whatever I’d like to to be. Nothing more nothing less. I’m a bit tired, but I remind myself I’ll have plenty of time to sleep this morning and afternoon if needed. But that’s for later.
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For now, I’m going to focus on reading my book until my alarm goes off to signal that I need to get ready to leave. And I will trust that everything will go according to the peaceful vision in my head. Patient and kind doctors and nurses, who completely understand, and are able to give me exactly what I need and more to make this experience phenomenal–and nothing at all worth worrying about 🙂
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Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 12 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)