Growing up in a strict Catholic household meant anything regarding the subject of intimacy was taboo. All I knew was that it was about having kids after marriage, and everything else was a disgraceful sin. This journal entry is me working to unravel my fear of intimacy.

Dear Brave Soul,

This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:

1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)

2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain

To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.

Sincerely,

my Dying Ego

January 5, 2021

Holding hands makes me uncomfortable. I can see how if you’re drawn to someone and want to be physically close to that person that it would be nice to have them close in that way. But holding hands makes me feel like it might lead or mean something more. Something more than I’m ready for. In a relationship, I want to take things slow, but these days, it seems like men are not about that. I’m sure there are some that are, but how am I supposed to know, it’s almost like you have to assume that they want a physical relationship from the moment they meet you, because it seems in one day, men fall in love.

It seems that men want a physical relationship right away, because they either want a casual, just-for-the-sex relationship, or they’re all like, I’m getting old and I want a family, so I can’t waste my time if you’re not interested. I mean that could just be me, and my limiting beliefs, because I’m sure there’s someone out there for me.

I need someone who’s willing to be patient though, and take things super slow. Like the kind of slow where I have time to find my desire. This desire thing though. When I wrote the word, for some reason I felt it was scary/unsafe. Maybe that’s my problem. I feel that I lack desire and that I’m not often physically attracted to men. I’d be super happy to be in a relationship where we were best friends and had a romantic relationship. Hugging, cuddling, and kissing I suppose would be fine. And maybe if I felt safe and nothing more was expected, I’d actually enjoy holding hands and being all lovey dovey.

But the idea of desire to me, I mean, it’s difficult, because on a certain level I do have desire. And I suppose it’s not at the surface because it doesn’t feel safe for me to have it. To have desire and to act on it, requires me to be vulnerable. And being vulnerable is something that takes bravery. I can be vulnerable and brave, and I have been in many instances of my life. However, when it comes to intimacy it freaks me out. I fear judgement, and at my age, 29, I feel as if most would expect me to have more experience than I do. So I also fear not being enough.

However, if I thought about this in another way. And saw myself as special and new, and just a different way to experience something, maybe that could be something to bring up my confidence. I don’t have to know what I’m doing, and maybe in a unique way, that’s beautiful, and someone will love me for that.

But I worry that someone might not understand, and that someone who is more looking for their desires to be met, and who isn’t in alignment with me, is going to hurt me. But then that’s just an ego thing. And I can remember that my ego is feeling hurt, because I just wasn’t what they were looking for. And that doesn’t mean I’m not enough, it just means he wasn’t the one. And the sooner I am to finding the right one.

Someday I’ll get there, I just have to remember that whatever happens, I’ll be alright. I have the strength to get through however I might be hurt. It takes bravery to be loved. And I’ve been practicing bravery throughout much of my life to get past all anxiety has caused me fear of. I can do it. I can be loved, and I can dare to love too

Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 10 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)