As I grow, I realize I’m the one responsible for my feelings. It doesn’t matter who does what ‘to’ you. What matters is that you know people do the best they can with where they’re at, and that you recognize you don’t need to wait for an apology to heal your emotional pain.

Dear Brave Soul,

This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:

1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)

2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain

To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.

Sincerely,

my Dying Ego

January 6, 2021

I thought I was mostly over this, but I’m still thinking about it this morning, so obviously, I’m not.

Last night, I came home from my evening walk around the neighborhood. Upon opening the fridge to pull out my almond milk for my tea, I saw a sea of chicken marinade on the second shelf spilling and pooling onto the bottom shelf where my open container of cooling ramen I’d just made was sitting and now contaminated. It was a giant mess!

My heart sunk and as I starting taking out my food to clean everything up, I said to my roommate, hey, your chicken marinade is everywhere. Without saying anything, she got up and went to the fridge, looked, and let out a small ugh.

She used a sponge and dishcloth to clean up the mess, and went back to eating, without saying anything. I at one point said, ‘Wow, this really sucks I have to throw out all my ramen,’ trying to prompt an apology. And still she said nothing. After throwing out my ramen and washing up my other things. I went to put it all back in the fridge, to find there were still smears and pieces of her marinade all over. So I cleaned it all up and sanitized it, and put my things away.

I was so upset. Why couldn’t she have apologized?! And she professionally cleans houses for a living, how could she be so careless cleaning up her own mess? Really, all I wanted was for her to say she was sorry and be responsible to clean things up properly, but honestly, just an apology, that’s all I was really looking for. I didn’t need her to say hey, I’ll make you dinner for the next two nights or anything, just an apology. Because it was just a mistake. And I wasn’t upset at her mistake. A little sad for my ramen I’d spent so much time making, but that I could get over.

I made my tea, and went upstairs to bed without saying my usual good night. As I went about my usual evening routine, I could not stop the thoughts of frustration from dancing in my head. Why couldn’t she just say she was sorry?!!

And then another thought came into my head. You know what? She did the best she could, and who am I to judge that? I’m not her, and I don’t know what’s going on in her head. Yes, from my perspective, she should have apologized, and maybe she should have. But I don’t know her past, and maybe she’s had experiences where she made a mistake and someone got mad and yelled at her. Maybe she’s been ‘little-t’ traumatized by reactions to her mistakes in the past. And maybe not. But it is what it is, and I’m not the one to determine how she should have responded.

We shouldn’t expect anything from anyone, because our expectations cause ourselves pain. We can hope someone acts in a certain way, but when they don’t, we just have to remember: everyone always does their best, and we can’t expect it to be our best, because we’ve all grown up and lived through different experiences that cause us to act the way we do. My experiences are not hers, and I don’t know what hers are. But remembering we’re all unique in who we are, allows me to say hey, it was a mistake, yes, I wish she apologized, but she didn’t. And that’s okay. I don’t need her to apologize. It doesn’t mean she’s not sorry, and even if she’s not, why should I let a mistake ruin my evening?

After realizing this, both later again last night and this morning, pieces of this and wonderings about it came floating back to me. And each time I thought about some new excuse to try and validate my feelings, but then, again after reminding myself, she did the best she could, the pain faded away. The more I’m aware of this idea, the freer I become. It’s not those around me who need to change, it’s me and my perspective that do. That’s the only true way to heal.

Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 10 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)