Have you ever been in a conversation where it seemed that no matter what you said, the other person would never understand because they weren’t truly listening to you?
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Or have you ever been in a conversation where looking back, you may have been too focused on getting your own point across to really give justice to the point the other person/people were trying to share?
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It seems common for some to automatically assume their opinion is worth more than another’s simply because they’re able to more eloquently communicate an idea, or that the other’s opinion is worth less, because their art of persuasion isn’t as strong.
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That said, this journal entry is a bit of a rant around the above idea, but it’s one I think might resonate with others who feel their voices are stifled or often go unheard, so enjoy 🙂
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Dear Brave Soul,
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This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
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1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
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2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
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To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
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Sincerely,
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my Dying Ego
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March 27, 2021
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Yesterday I had a convo w/ [a couple friends] during our catchup with each other. We talked about the idea [of] when […] a discussion needs to happen between someone who’s angry, and someone like me, where I get this sense of frozenness, and feel I can’t express myself.
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…
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I wasn’t sure how to express myself yesterday, and I could sense, even though [one of my friends] wasn’t upset with me, I felt I wasn’t sure how to explain myself in a way she would understand, and maybe part of my hangup was that I felt no matter what I said, that she wouldn’t understand, because her energy comes off as what I sense is not open to what I’m saying, or at least that she isn’t honoring my voice. [M]aybe to resolve this, I need to honor my own voice so that it doesn’t matter how I perceive others perceiving me, I can just express myself and share my opinion without needing others to raise me up to do so.
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So knowing my words matter, and that they can still have an affect on someone, even if not immediately or on a conscious level, but still on a subconscious level, I would’ve said, and maybe will still find a way to tell her…
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Yes, it’s true that I can practice being able to communicate better, but if you’re saying that it’s on me to do better, which I know, I’m curious, is there anything you think you could do better? Or do you think there’s no reason why you should make yourself more open to the opinions of others [who are] less able than you to explain their idea?
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And that was the whole point, I feel like people don’t listen to me, and yes, that’s a paradigm I need to work on, because there you were, not really listening to me. I was giving you my full and undivided attention, and I felt like you weren’t.
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[F]rom my perspective, I see that you have a paradigm, maybe one where for some reason, the opinion of another isn’t honored as much as your own is. That you give more time to what you’re saying and what you believe, than to truly being open to what someone else thinks. You don’t feel that it’s worth taking the time to understand someone, unless maybe they have the same ability as you to discuss a topic.
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So I guess all of this depends on what you value. So you’re right, if you don’t care to listen to the opinions of others, and you’d rather just tell the world what they’re doing wrong, or why you believe something, and just pushing your beliefs on the rest of the world, and not being open to anything else, then that’s fine. But, I think you’re missing out, and will probably be a lot less happy, because you can’t truly understand another’s perspective.
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I feel that you feel taking the time to understand someone and give them the space to share their opinion is a burden to you, and something you feel you shouldn’t have to do. That the other person should just own their personal development and fix themselves, and then come back to you. However, I believe that if you perceived this action differently, as one where it benefited you, just as much as the other person, that it wouldn’t feel like it was a burden. I’m not saying the other person shouldn’t change, but you can’t expect someone else to change, unless you expect the same of yourself.
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I mean, maybe you don’t think that. But our conversation I felt was very much focused on the idea that I should improve myself to match you. And as I mentioned, I’d love to be able to communicate with the strength that you’re able to. But is my opinion or anyone else’s unworthy of your undivided attention and consideration until that point?
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And also, yes, love is what matters. I do need to love myself more to improve myself. I have a hard time expressing myself, not because I’m incapable, because I was able to say exactly what I wanted to tell you to my sister a half hour later. I have a hard time expressing myself, because I don’t love myself enough to believe that my words are worthy of being heard by those who don’t seem to care. And maybe to an extent you do, but based on your ability to take the undivided attention when you were expressing your opinions to me, and then half leaving the conversation, because of some work thing that was going on is proof of that. And I know that part of all this is me reflecting my inner beliefs on my outer reality, and that’s part of the reason. Maybe if I loved myself enough, then you’d feel my energy differently, you’d think I was more worth listening to. Because I know, in order for my words to fall right, I need to believe they’re worth hearing, for others to believe they’re worth hearing as well. I know consciously my words are worth being heard, just as much to those who are open to hearing them, as to those who may not be.
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Going back to the idea of expectations and the idea of our unworthiness and seeing that reflected in others. And that we just need to love ourselves, because love gets rid of the idea of expectation. We have expectations on others, because we expect the same of ourselves, because we feel expectations need to be met in order to receive love. But if we learned to love ourselves without feeling the need to meet expectations to do so, then we wouldn’t place expectations so much on those around us, and we’d be much happier. Not to say boundaries aren’t important, you need to keep yourself safe, but happiness is a perspective that is easier to have when you let go of expectations. And boundaries can help as you learn to find a perspective that honors your happiness and health, but boundaries, I believe, are best set with the idea that you are honoring yourself in an empowered way, and not protecting yourself in a victim mindset.
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Basically, the idea that most things stem back to the idea of our feeling unworthy is proved in the above. If we felt we were worthy of love and acceptance just as we are, expectations wouldn’t exist. We wouldn’t place them on ourselves, and we wouldn’t place them on others. And neither you or [our other friend] would’ve been upset about the differences in our ideas of time.
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Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 10 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream
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#honoryourself #honorothers #paradigm #persuasion #loveyourself #selfworth #weareworthy #perspectives #perception #mindset