Setting boundaries has probably been one of the hardest things I’ve needed to learn to do. But it’s also been one of the most transforming and empowering. It can be really hard to set them when you’ve been raised to put the needs of others before your own, and told that it’s wrong and selfish to have boundaries. However, the more I started setting them, the freer I felt.
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And oddly enough, when I explained why I was setting the boundary, people typically totally understood. So what I’m trying to say is, setting boundaries was a lot less scary than I thought it would be, and it was only difficult because of the fear I had around making them. It didn’t require me to be mean or make them feel bad about themselves. I just had to tell them what I needed. So set your boundaries!
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Dear Brave Soul,
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This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
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1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
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2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
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To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
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Sincerely,
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my Dying Ego
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October 2, 2021
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Recently, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about how to set boundaries with people that don’t fulfill me. The thing is, I feel that in order to do so, I have to be mean. I have to let someone down. I have to let them know they’re not enough for me. I have to make them feel bad about themselves. And it doesn’t matter whether I do it in a straightforward, direct manner, or if I do so in a more indirect way, in either case, I’d be hurting them. Either a quick death or a slow death.
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It’s not that I never want to talk to these people again, but tbh, I’ve just had a feeling lately that I want to withdraw. I’m not sure if the withdrawing feeling is coming from me speaking to too many people who don’t fulfill me, and too often, or if it’s just a general feeling. I do like talking with some people, but even people I like speaking with more, I still often get this feeling of wanting to pull away. Part of this could be depression I suppose, or something, who knows. But in any case, I feel that I need to do something to honor my feelings, but I worry that in doing so I will hurt others.
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One of my friends, who I opened up to about this, said that I could mute notifications for these people, and ignore them more. I really dislike ignoring people, I’m sure because I know it hurts. I don’t want to make people feel the same way others have made me feel. There’s a part of me that would rather be honest, but then also not fully honest. And I did something like that back the beginning of summer. I just told a lot of people I wanted to stop having meetings altogether, because I was just too stressed. I’m actually going to meet with one of those women for the first time since then on Monday. She’s (not too often) reached out to check on me, which is sweet, and she encouraged me every so often to let her know if I wanted to have a call, so this time I said yes. I guess I just worry that one call might lead to another. But it won’t if I hold my boundaries and don’t try to match my words to the hopes and wishes of another just to make sure that it’s not me who causes anyone unhappiness.
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But just that idea right there… it’s the people who don’t realize they control their happiness that are ruled by others to make them happy or not. And of course, much of the world falls victim to this. But I wonder, even if I don’t want to cause pain for a person in this state of mind, maybe I’m not. Can I realize that it’s never me directly causing pain. It’s always the mindset. The person may believe I am the source of their pain, but I am not. And maybe I’m not even indirectly causing pain. Because with another mindset, one of love, I don’t cause pain.
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Most people are ruled by their egos and not their spirit of love. So yes, in a perfect world where egos were more in the background, setting my boundaries and speaking my needs do not cause pain, I suppose they never do. But it’s the perception that they cause pain, and me seeing it that makes me also feel hurt. But if I can’t honor my needs, which possibly are the needs of another as well, then in essence, I’m not honoring the other.
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Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 12 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)
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