I’m beginning to understand that the destination I had in mind for this healing journey I’m on, may not be where I’m headed. And that’s ok, because it wouldn’t mean my journey was any less successful. It’s scary to admit this. That maybe I won’t ever have perfect health. That maybe I’ll always experience pain and live my life coping with symptoms and dis-ease.

However, what makes me more okay with this possibility, is that nevertheless, I’m on this journey for a very important reason. To become a better version of myself. To learn that I am love. To hold space and compassion for others. To make this world a better place upon my being here.

Dear Brave Soul,

This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:

1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)

2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.

To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.

Sincerely,

my Dying Ego

February 16, 2021

I’m starting to understand more and more. Yesterday, during my mastermind meeting, my mentor played some of the Tony Robbins movie on Netflix, the parts where he’s coaching people. And there was something that became super clear for me. The idea that everything happens for me, and not to me. Everything.

Every illness, every symptom, every negative word that was spoken, every negative feeling I felt–it was all for me. I chose my path. And everyone I’ve met has helped me along it. Everyone has allowed me to continue towards my destiny.

Before I used to think that my mom and dad had nothing to do with me getting into and through Cornell. And maybe it seems they didn’t from an advice and financial perspective. But they created in me the person that did get in, and that did graduate. Even if it meant my perfectionism and drive that got me there originated from a desire for my parents’ love.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. My parents did the best they could, and I am so grateful for them. Even today, when my mom and I might have disagreements over the phone, it’s those conversations, whether I realize it or not, that keep me going towards my destiny. Any encounter with any person does. [Each person is] supposed to be in my life for a reason. I may never know or understand, but I trust that [they are]. And I can be grateful for [their] presence, even if it causes my ego to suffer.

After understanding this more, I felt a shift in how I thought about my symptoms and dis-ease I’ve been experiencing. I feel less attached to the idea that I need to live without it. It will go when it’s time for it to go, maybe I live without ever completely healing. Writing that makes me uncomfortable, because in my head, I’ve been told that if my current health issues aren’t resolved, it could mean worse ones could follow. [For instance,] GERD [could lead] to cancer.

But, isn’t that just a belief in a pattern? And since [the mainstream medical industry hasn’t yet] figured out that acid reflux isn’t [all] the same [or maybe they have, but there’s no cost benefit in making the distinction?] it seems like they may not be so good at following patterns, [then maybe it’s wise not to believe everything they say.]

So really, I can continue to remind myself that I’m experiencing everything for a reason. For the reason that everything in my life is pulling and pushing me towards my highest self.

Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 10 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)