I wrote this entry after having a difficult conversation with a friend where I realized my beliefs were triggering her pain. I had no intention of hurting her, and the difficult feeling I had was that I felt the only way not to hurt her, or to help ease her pain was to relinquish my beliefs and follow and agree with her own.
This hasn’t been the only difficult conversation with this friend along these same lines, and it’s brought me to some deep reflection. I’ve realized, I don’t want to sacrifice my values and my voice to maintain a facade of friendship. That said, I still haven’t figured out all the logistics of moving forward, but I’m grateful for all our relationship has and continues to teach me.
Dear Brave Soul,
Below is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
Sincerely,
my Dying Ego
March 5, 2022
Tonight my friend and I had a tough conversation about victims/victim mindset. I forget what I had mentioned, but she said society tends to think negatively about being a victim. Which is true, and she has a point. At some point she also asked what I’d say about someone who had been a refugee, is it not a part of who they are?
For her first statement, I tried to back up and explain that I was talking more about the mindset, that just because you were once a victim from a circumstance in your past, does not mean you need to continue being so in the future. In my mind, depending on your mindset, you can continue being a victim, if you allow yourself to be.
To her second point, of course, it’s a part of a person’s history, but it does not need to define their future in a disempowering way. As with any traumatic event. It’s hard though, because society is filled with the ideas that cause the majority of us to believe we cannot heal. That you never truly heal from an eating disorder. That PTSD will cause you to always see something as ‘choose your adjective that affects you negatively’.
I told her, with my phobia, until very recently, I never imagined it was possible to not always have it. But when I realized how my fear was affecting my physical health, I decided to open myself up to the idea, to wonder whether maybe there was the possibility. And though doing so scared me to no end, because it meant grappling with the fact that if I were to head down this road, I’d have to face my greatest fear over and over until it no longer affected me, or at least try and see how far I got, I’m so glad I did. I am still very early on this journey, but I’m now certain it’s possible. I don’t know for sure whether I’ll get there or how far I’ll get, but I’m going to take things slow and gentle and give myself patience and be curious about how far I can heal.
Overall, I’m sad and frustrated. I’m sad that I feel I’ve hurt my friend, and I’m frustrated because I feel she can’t see things in a way that could help her not be in so much mental pain. I’m frustrated that the things I say will cause her pain because of the way she thinks… I suppose that could translate to so many situations.
I want to ask her: where did you get the idea that because of your trauma you’ll always be negatively affected by something? Are you basing it off of some doctor or therapist? Are you basing it off the loud majority? Because of these beliefs, is it possible you may not have the awareness to see when someone has moved past something you thought could not be moved past? Or did you see it, but then attribute it to something that separated the person from ‘most people’ or ‘yourself’? Or whatever form of dismissal. And where do you think these beliefs came from? Has there been conclusive evidence that it’s impossible to heal from these things? Or is it just a general assumption, that has come from a certain perspective, based on a flawed healthcare system, based on the desire to keep people sick for profit?
I’m not saying healing is easy. And I’m not saying you’re wrong for thinking the way you do. I used to think that way too. And I wasn’t wrong. But I’m also not wrong to think the way I do now either. I’m only just sorry that you’re hurt because of the way I think. That the separation between our beliefs causes you pain.
My last thought I had around this last idea… does the pain come from the idea that it’s easier to be hurt/victimized by a thought, than to truly open yourself up to it and consider the possibilities it might mean for your life if you were to explore the idea. I mean maybe it’s less that. The pain could simply be that the idea causes discomfort… of what though? The idea that the justification for all the pain you’ve been through may not stem from strong ground? That the justification was only built on a belief that has been slightly shaken from someone voicing a different opinion on the matter. And that instead of allowing the thought in, it’s better to shut the door, because if you were to let it in, you’d realize that the house of cards you were living in, was not actually a house, and it’ll all come crumbling down, and your world would fall apart.
So of course it makes sense why my beliefs have hurt my friend. If she were to open herself up to what I believe. She’s at a point now, where letting in a contradicting belief to those holding her house of cards together, would tear apart her world she’s trying so very hard to hold onto so she doesn’t fall apart. But as I see it, falling apart is the only way to heal and become whole again. But there is no doubt it’s one of the journeys in this world that will require the most intense bravery and strength you could imagine. I suppose it’s not for everyone. And I’m not saying those it’s not for don’t have bravery and strength, they do. I just believe that some don’t realize how much power they truly hold—how much bravery and strength they’re truly capable of.
Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 12 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)