I’ve always wondered why and become upset with myself for being angry with my family and close friends. Why do I often get more frustrated with the people I love than with others? Tell me I’m not alone here!
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In this journal, I dove into the realization that my anger likely stems from anxiety and fear. For me, I imagine I have heightened amounts of this around my family and close friends, because I care what they think of me, because subconsciously it’s all about survival.
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Dear Brave Soul,
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This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
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1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
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2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
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To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
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Sincerely,
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my Dying Ego
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July 20, 2021
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I’m realizing my anger has been protecting me. From feeling the emotions I’m too afraid I’m not strong enough to feel.
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I just made the connection now, thinking about what I was feeling when my parents picked me up from my grandmother’s, and how the feelings of relief and longing came up, and that I felt the need to stifle them down. There was this strong current of energy underlying it, and I felt that if I allowed any of it surface, it would all just bubble up uncontrollably.
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But it got me curious, and made me think this strong-ness I thought I had, about never getting homesick, maybe that wasn’t real [strength] in the way I thought it was.
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Just now, as I was climbing in bed back here at my parent’s place, in my old childhood bedroom, I remembered how I was getting angry with my parents before I left to visit my grandmother. I don’t even remember why now, something more-or-less silly I’m sure. But it brought this realization up, how maybe I was using anger to shield me from scarier feelings, the real feelings that lie beneath what I decide I’m comfortable expressing. Though honestly, I wonder why I feel comfortable expressing something that’s not real. I suppose it allows the ability to get out of being vulnerable and exposed to potential pain.
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Thinking through this, my mind is going back to other times my anger has come up. The first time I remember it was in 6th grade. I started becoming angry with my friends I’d had for years. But maybe that was just in preparation for our impending separation as we were going to different middle schools after. At the time, I just thought I was ready to move on to something new, and my annoyance and frustration was simply because I was outgrowing my friends. But maybe it was a little different than that, or at least partially. Maybe underneath, I didn’t otherwise know how to cope with losing my only friends. The ones who had gotten me through so much. My best friend, who I could truly be myself with, and how I would agonize at the beginning of each school year if I found she was to be in the other homeroom.
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For the most part, my anger is mostly towards my family and close friends. Which I often find myself feeling guilty over, because why would I be more apt to get angry at the people I love the most?! I’m realizing now, it’s not because they’re any more annoying than anyone else in this world. But simply a fear response, because in opening yourself up to love, you also open yourself up to the possibility of pain. But the thing is, I’m realizing that if I can’t get past my anger, which keeps me from the pain, then I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to experience love fully. Or at least I’m piecing that together from the age-old wisdom I’ve heard about with great love comes great pain, or something along those lines.
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I’m not quite sure how to stop feeling the anger so that I can feel into what’s really going on. But I imagine the best place to start is through growing my awareness around what I’m feeling, especially if I’m feeling annoyed, upset, or angry, and asking myself why, and digging down to see if there’s anything beyond that surface feeling–anything it might be trying to cover up.
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Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 12 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)
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#anger #anxiousanger #anxiety #family #underlyingemotions #emotions #love #pain