This journal entry is a short one, and honestly I wrote it outside of my normal journal time. It was one of those times where the words were bubbling up and I felt the urge to write them out of me.
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Reading them again after this past year, has me feeling as if the universe was like ‘well, let’s show her none of that is actually true!’
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After having fallen apart multiple times this year, I now realize how love feels no burden. I’ve formed some beautiful friendships with people who I now see have genuine love and care for me. For most of my life, I’ve struggled with the feeling that people’s love and care would only go so far. So I was afraid to break down, to ask for help, to need people, to be vulnerable–in any sort of real way.
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This year, I didn’t have a choice to weather it all on my own and stand strong. I was forced down, and forced to ask for help. And amidst all of the pain I found myself in, I also found that the love I was so worried wasn’t real, was more real than I could’ve imagined. I had no idea I could feel so held, so taken care of, and so selflessly loved. And I now realize that it’s in times when I’ve been most vulnerable, that I can see how much love I truly am surrounded by.
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Dear Brave Soul,
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This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
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1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
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2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
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To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
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Sincerely,
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my Dying Ego
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January 17, 2022
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I don’t want to be a burden or to make things difficult. If I allow myself to fall apart, it scares me, because I feel like I’m the only one who can piece things back together, and if I fall apart, there will be no one I can trust to save me.
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I also worry that people will abandon me when I show weakness or when I fall apart, because I’m too much.
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My mom would say: crying isn’t going to help anything. Be a big girl. Big girls don’t cry. They get up and brush it off and move on.
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Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 12 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)