As we go through life, we sometimes wake up from a stupor where we realize we may have only been physically going through the motions, but mentally or emotionally, we were far far away.
nn
In my journey towards self-love, I’ve become cognizant that I’ve been doing things for myself (ie. self care) more from a sense of duty, than from a true place of love for myself. I haven’t been present with myself. And as most of us are well aware, when we’re with someone physically, but the person isn’t there emotionally, the relationship feels pretty empty.
nn
For a second, imagine as if you were married to yourself. How do you show up for yourself? Do you feel connected? Do you feel real, genuine love for yourself? Or do you feel that you may just be going through the motions? That the relationship has become numb and unfulfilled? If it has, then it’s time to wake up! And if not, wonder how your relationship might become even better. Get curious! How deep and beautiful could your love for yourself become?
n
n
Dear Brave Soul,
nnn
Below is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
nn
1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
n
2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
nn
To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
nnn
Sincerely,
n
my Dying Ego
n
n
October 17, 2021
nn
I’m not quite sure when it was–either last night or this morning, I think it was last night, but I had this really good feeling. It was similar to one I’ve had before, which turned on a bit of a warning light even though it felt so good, because before it was attached to this idea of victimhood. That the energy I was caring for myself [with] was out of a sense of duty that I was answering with effort. But last night, and again, I believe a similar feeling this morning, it was a similar feeling but different. This time, there was more gratitude and love for myself–real love. And I wondered, is this what it feels like to find true love? At least in oneself? I mean maybe it’s just one of the many feelings you experience when you love someone. That there’s this feeling of magic where the world is just so beautiful, and I am one with the world, but such a unique individual expression of my own all the same.
nn
I remember the ocean last night. As I was walking back and forth on the beach. I was walking quickly as I listened to my podcast, and I realized I had begun going through the motions and half forgetting where I was. So I tried to slow down and look out across the gentle waves coming in, seeing Molokai on the other side of them with its few twinkling lights. And I took it in, but when I realized my walk was again about to stray from the beach, I realized I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t really come for what my intention had been set to do. I hadn’t connected with the earth. Maybe physically [with my bare feet], but not emotionally. I stopped at the edge of the water, and just looked at the ocean as it gracefully rolled in and out. I looked at the water and how it acted, and how beautiful and perfect it was. I saw how the ocean was like me, and our connection. And I wondered, if the ocean has the power to heal the earth when treated properly, then the ocean within me has that same power, and it holds the same magic.
nn
It was then that I felt this sense of empowerment, that things were possible. Everything that I’ve been doing has been for a reason, and I’m doing it not out of the sense of purpose I used to slowly and achingly move forward with. I was going about it in a new way where I more easily recognize my intention–why I’m doing what I’m doing, and remembering that my actions make a difference. Not because I’m acting them out, not even because I’m doing them consistently, but because I realize that they make a difference when I believe in what I’m doing–when I have faith that I’m on the right path and all my steps are taking me one step closer to where I’d like to go. And I know. I know that achieving my purpose will result from my belief that the universe has my best interest at heart–because I am the universe.
n
Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 12 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)