Is anyone else out there not so good about sticking to their self-proposed deadlines, especially when it comes to putting yourself out there? It’s been something I’ve been working on… for a while. This entry points to some huge progress, though I’m certainly not perfect–and speaking of, my current podcast launch is now scheduled for a much more realistic date of April 20th… we’ll see how that goes, haha 🙂

Dear Brave Soul,

This is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:

1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)

2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.

To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.

Sincerely,

my Dying Ego

February 3, 2021

Good morning!! Today I woke up at 4:40am, without an alarm! To be honest, it was a bit too early, so I stayed in bed until my alarm went off at 5:30am. It’s been nice and chill. Lots of kitty cuddles and watching Gigi [my cat] play.

Yesterday, I woke up and I was pretty concerned about giving my Toastmaster’s speech, because I hadn’t even outlined it. The whole morning I was anxious over it, but even if I’d wanted to give up and push it back at that point, I felt it was too late. I would’ve wanted to make an excuse why I couldn’t come to the meeting, so that it would be more understandable why I wasn’t giving my speech. Like it’d be too embarrassing to show my face without a speech ready.

Even though I didn’t go to [another earlier] meeting, specifically with the idea that I’d use the time for outlining and practicing my speech, I instead made time for something else. Though important, it was still procrastination. All morning I procrastinated, until it was 1.5 hours until my Toastmaster’s meeting. And then I got to work, and it all turned out fine, though I felt a bit rushed and nervous as the time came closer.

I could’ve spent more time on my powerpoint, however, I am proud that I took the time to dance to a song and have music playing beforehand to help allow the jitters to be propelled into something, [instead of] heavily wafting off me [during my speech].

Everything ended up going just fine. Though my level of ‘ums’ was extreme–22 for a 6.5 minute speech. I was really proud of myself and how I hardly used my notes, that’s actually a huge win for me, like HUGE!! The other speaker did end up winning, but she was re-giving a speech she’d given in the past, so she’d had feedback to improve on already. So I had to remind myself, just because my speech wasn’t perceived as best by the group, does not mean that I didn’t win in a way that was extremely valuable and meaningful to me. Winning on the inside I’m realizing, is much better than winning on the outside. I could’ve won in comparison to another, but that means nothing, if I didn’t win for myself.

Anyway, super proud, because I had so wanted to give up before giving it my all, and I didn’t. And now I’m hoping this gives me the courage to do the same with my podcast launch. Today, I’ll be putting a lot of work into my podcast. I’m half thinking I might just watch all the [course] videos to get a better understanding of what I have left to do, because honestly, it’s not going to be the worst thing in the world to start it a week later, but I need to put in the work this week, like I do plan to launch it, because if I don’t, I’ll be in the same place I am this week as next week, and I’ll keep wanting to push it off.

And yes, I know I could still launch on Tuesday next week if I really wanted to, however, from what I know already, it’s important to announce your launch so people are in anticipation, and apparently it’s a good way to start getting your podcast seen better when there’s more people watching it from the beginning, so I don’t want to give up that chance, just for the win of keeping my word on my launch date. We’ll see, but that’s what I’m thinking now.

Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 10 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)