As a millennial, growing up I oftentimes constructed these stories in my head, based on how I perceived my reality, where I felt like I was being treated like Cinderella or Rapunzel. Essentially, I was very good at constructing the victim mindset.
In this journal, I became aware of one of my patterns around when my health issues show up. That is, during times when I felt like a victimized Disney princess, dis-ease began showing up in my body. The dis-ease appeared because my subconscious felt like it would keep me safe–like how I’d grown up to see that my tiny, underweight body showed people they should keep an extra eye on me. So then when I couldn’t rely on my size, my subconscious figured dis-ease would show people my needs and keep me ‘safe’.
Dear Brave Soul,
Below is one of my personal journal entries, and as such, I’ve not written it with the intention of an audience. I’ve decided to share some of these reflections with you based on two desires:
1) to remember I am not alone — sharing my raw thoughts and being vulnerable may allow me to connect with others who have similar thoughts/feelings/experiences (aka, I’d love to hear from you!)
2) to remember I am not my ego — I believe we all have a right to share our opinions. However, for much of my life, even still, it’s been difficult for me to express myself out of fear someone will respond negatively. Being vulnerable and opening up with my potentially esoteric, or even controversial, thoughts is me facing that fear, and I understand it may very well cause my ego pain.
To note, these entries are largely unedited, though if I’ve added/clarified anything, you will see a ‘[…]’.
Sincerely,
my Dying Ego
February 18, 2022
I think I may be onto something. During my meditation, I decided to go down one of my monkey mind paths and see where it lead. I went back to the point where my health issues began, and I found the emotional pain. I had begun working at Hardee’s, and one of the managers there was what I felt a monster. The thing was, she didn’t care about treating me well, in fact, she even went out of her way to try annoying me. She’d be flirting with the guys in the back, and make me do everything… even just now, I got lost for a minute in my mind with the memories, obviously it’s still triggering.
One thing I remember was how she was so short and skinny, but she was older than I was, and that made me uncomfortable in a way, because I was no longer the tiniest person in the room. Being the tiny person, allowed people to see that I might need help, people saw me as this person to check in on a little more, reach something for me, take pity on me when it was cold because I had no body fat. But this girl of a manager did not see me as someone she needed to be there for and make sure I had what I needed. She dropped me on the floor and walked all over me. I was nothing to her. My size meant nothing. My size was no longer enough. And with everything I did, that made me feel she was taking advantage of me. I had this feeling I was Cinderella, and I went into this super victimized state of mind, [and that’s when a lot of my health issues began.]
But stepping outside of this, into other instances where my body has displayed signs of dis-ease, [the circumstances were similar to the above]–I didn’t trust the people around me to keep me safe. So my body decided it needed to speak up.
And what I’m realizing, as I have in the past, only more so now, is that I need to believe that I will always have my back, and I have a voice, and it doesn’t matter whether people can hear me or not, because I can trust the universe to be there for me when I’ve done my best, whatever that might be, and whoever I’m around and their perception of me. I will be okay.
* * *
After listening to the podcast [I recorded] with Zette Harbour, it makes me realize this is about self-love, because it’s about me needing to learn to show up for myself.
Author Bio: Hi, I’m Bethany! Over the past 12 years, I’ve been on a winding journey in search of healing. I created Love myHealth as an outlet to share my story and empower others. I’m passionate about all things health, but what intrigues me most, is the healing essence of an empowering mindset. Some of my favorite things in life include acro yoga, walking under the stars, life-changing conversations with strangers, and food (most notably: gluten-free pizza and nice cream.)